Monday, January 19, 2009

My Seperation Anxiety

I am suffering from premature separation anxiety.

Baby Bean turned two in early November, and I have never left her for more than ten or eleven hours at a time. I have also put her to bed every night except for three or four nights, mostly when I was too sick to do it. I also haven't completely stopped nursing her. I have been nursing her once a day, right before bedtime since she was twenty months old. That will also stop when I leave on Saturday.

Today I am having a really hard time with the thought of leaving her. My eyes well up with tears when I think about actually going. One of the hardest parts for me is that I will be so far away. It isn't like I am going to be an hour or so away, I am going to be all the way across the country away. There will be no turning around and coming home because I changed my mind, or because Baby Bean is really unhappy. Once I get on that plane, it is a done deal, for four nights.

I am extremely lucky that my mom is coming to stay with her. I know she will be safe. I know she will be well cared for. I know my mom will be diligent, and not feed her anything she is allergic to. I know she will be okay. I just don't know if I will.

I also think that if I hear, "Oh, she will be fine, it will be good for both of you," one more time, I will become so irate that I will physically hurt who ever is lucky enough to be the next one to say it to me. I think that a little emotional support would be better, a little "I understand that it will be tearing your heart out." From somebody, or anybody for that matter. Instead, one of my friends suggested that I "just don't go." I politely informed her that this was a business trip for work, and if I don't go, we could lose our position with the company that we represent. I don't think she really got it.

So here's to sucking it up and doing something that many moms have to do everyday. Especially in this modern world where moms try to do it all. Baby Bean's Daddy has to do it all of the time. He travels quite a bit for business, and he doesn't want to leave her either. So, I will head out on this work related journey, with a good attitude and a lot more respect for mommies that head out to work everyday and have to leave their little ones, not by choice, but by necessity.

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