My Seperation Anxiety

I am suffering from premature separation anxiety.

Baby Bean turned two in early November, and I have never left her for more than ten or eleven hours at a time. I have also put her to bed every night except for three or four nights, mostly when I was too sick to do it. I also haven't completely stopped nursing her. I have been nursing her once a day, right before bedtime since she was twenty months old. That will also stop when I leave on Saturday.

Today I am having a really hard time with the thought of leaving her. My eyes well up with tears when I think about actually going. One of the hardest parts for me is that I will be so far away. It isn't like I am going to be an hour or so away, I am going to be all the way across the country away. There will be no turning around and coming home because I changed my mind, or because Baby Bean is really unhappy. Once I get on that plane, it is a done deal, for four nights.

I am extremely lucky that my mom is coming to stay with her. I know she will be safe. I know she will be well cared for. I know my mom will be diligent, and not feed her anything she is allergic to. I know she will be okay. I just don't know if I will.

I also think that if I hear, "Oh, she will be fine, it will be good for both of you," one more time, I will become so irate that I will physically hurt who ever is lucky enough to be the next one to say it to me. I think that a little emotional support would be better, a little "I understand that it will be tearing your heart out." From somebody, or anybody for that matter. Instead, one of my friends suggested that I "just don't go." I politely informed her that this was a business trip for work, and if I don't go, we could lose our position with the company that we represent. I don't think she really got it.

So here's to sucking it up and doing something that many moms have to do everyday. Especially in this modern world where moms try to do it all. Baby Bean's Daddy has to do it all of the time. He travels quite a bit for business, and he doesn't want to leave her either. So, I will head out on this work related journey, with a good attitude and a lot more respect for mommies that head out to work everyday and have to leave their little ones, not by choice, but by necessity.

Identity Crisis

Maybe I just freaked out because I realized that I am going to be thirty-five in two months. Maybe it is because Baby Bean's Daddy told me that "Thirty-five is half way to seventy." Maybe it is because I am home all day with a toddler and I have lost a little of myself during this crazy parenthood journey. Maybe I am just bored, but I walked into the hair cuttin' store yesterday morning with a plan to get a little trim. And when I walked out, there was a huge pile of hair on the floor. Then it was off to the beauty supply store to buy some violet dye, which I later applied to part of my hair.

I have cried the day after a hair cut in the past. Not today. I like it. It is different, simple, and lo and behold it was super quick to dry and fix this morning. Baby Bean's Daddy seems to like it too. The only other person that noticed, what I thought was a huge change, was my sixteen year old sister in law. Nobody else. Well, except for Baby Bean. She told me "Momma, you hair look like Grandma T's." Grandma T is my mom (who's hair style is not the same as my new one, btw). Most women wouldn't want to be told that they look like their mom. But my mom is freakin' hot, so I will take it as a compliment.

Welcome

Welcome. This blog is my new project for the new year. I am a wanna-be writer, with nothing but one poem published many years ago, ( think I won a contest in high school or something). I currently am a work from home mommy of a little girl, Baby Bean, that turned two in November of '08. I have a lot of in laws: two grandmothers, a mom, a step mom, three sisters, two brothers and lots of aunts and uncles. All on my husband's side. I have a mom, step dad, dad, step mom on my side. So needless to say, I am usually bombarded with unsolicited advice and opinions.

I will warn you now, I am out-spoken, opinionated and stubborn. If I offend you at anytime, I apologize before hand. But you should try to get over it and read on!